You left us on a cold Sunday morning. More than just the cold in our bones or the pain in our souls. The weather was just terrible, and rightfully so. It rained that entire day. Shifting from misty to streams of constant rain. I know in my heart that that was you crying. Lamenting over all that you have left behind and all you didn’t get to do. Even more tho, because I know your heart so well, I know you shed tears because you couldn’t explain to us or say your goodbyes and prepare us. To hug your mom and sisters one last time and to tell them you got this, that your going to be with Baba Malcolm and the rest of the elders. To hold your friends close. All of those who admired and looked up to you. Those of us that love and adored you as this larger than life icon. I know that as strong as you know me to be that you know I can’t handle you leaving so abruptly, and so I know some of those tears are for me, are for us and all that was never said. Never explained. Never resolved. All of the love that we will never share again.
The following two days, after that the sun shined just a bit and the humidity rose some, I imagine you found a good fete upon your arrival, filled with only the sturdiest of the elders. You showing them all of your moves as your locs swing side to side. You all graceful and the elders just smiling as they take all of you in.
If I know you, I can bet my bottom dollar that as soon as that fete was over you started networking with the elders. Lol! Don’t ask me how, I just know. I’m sure you have a lot of questions you want to be answered and things to learn before you set about to relinquish White supremacy in heaven. Oo because you know heaven gotta be full of privileged Wypipo upholding the same ish up there that they did down here. But they effin with the wrong one. You gon give em hell! No pun intended.
Today it’s raining again. I know that you have probably had on your big girl pants the last two days trying to be strong and brave. Trying to mask the confusion in this whole mess. But I know your heart and I know that this is more then you should have to bare. Especially alone. Without me or any of us there to help you. To hold you. To tell you it’ll be ok. That we will get through this. Today you’re lounging on your sofa in the big living room in the sky. You love to lounge on that sofa for hours and work through your feelings, your fears, your dreams and wishes. You’re trying to make sense of all of this. Why would God take you now? Give you so much favor just to snatch you away? Why did he not let you say goodbye?
I feel in my heart of hearts that you’ll find this answer and make peace with your ascension to the ancestral plain. The aforementioned questions asked are ones we will grapple with for some time. Your community, your tribe. Those of us who love you immensely. We will struggle with these questions for some time to come, because a world without you in it just doesn’t seem right. It just doesn’t seem fair.
I’ve cried everyday that you’ve been gone and I cry as I write this. It is the first thing I’ve written since you’ve been gone and it breaks my heart to be speaking on you in this way. I can’t believe you are not here. I can’t accept it. My heart is broken and a big part of me is forever lost. I can’t understand the cruelty of a God who would see it just to take you from me; take you from all of us. Cycling through pictures and videos just makes it worse. Makes the pain more real. Makes the loss cut more deep.
I just need a sign. Something to tell me that you are ok. I’d give anything to speak with you one last time. To hold you close and tell you how very much I love and appreciate you. How special you are to me and my whole world. That you were always right and that you knew me better then I knew myself. I just want you to get all in my space til I’m annoyed and give you that look that you hate, but that never makes you halt your loving bombardment.
I need you and it breaks my heart that I never told you how much I adore you. How much I admire your bravery. Your honesty and sense of conviction. Your morals, values and principles. Your sense of compassion and spirituality. I never got to tell you how much I appreciated more than anything ever, the way you loved.
You were, you are the epitome of Black excellence and Black beauty personified. You are love and joy in this life or the next. I promise we will see each other again. Until that day, know that I love you beyond measure and that I am eternally thinking of you.